Skip to content

Category: Mindfulness

Music in Mindfulness and Everyday Life

Published by Michael Defern on April 21, 2021

I was on a podcast recently, Mindfulness Mode with Bruce Langford. I wanted to post it here on the blog because he did an amazing job of getting me to articulate some things that I’ve struggled to say in the past. (Thank you Bruce!)

In particular, this would may be helpful for people who have struggled with addiction, but we also get into the idea of nurturing that feeling of connection in business, marketing, and performing.

There’s lot’s great stuff on his website – he’s been at this for a long time.

Share this post:

Practicing Mindfulness While Making Coffee

Published by Michael Defern on December 23, 2020

I like to practice being in the present moment as much as possible, but I hate just sitting there, trying to think about nothing. I’d much rather turn daily mundane activities, like making coffee, into a sort of meditation.

It took me 3 takes to make this video without laughing! I know, it’s a bit exaggerated and ridiculous, but this is all just to make a point. If you even did half of what I did in this video, you’ll get something out of it.

And the bloopers …

Share this post:
What if My Job Was to Be Present?

What if My Job Was to Be Present?

Published by Michael Defern on November 30, 2020

My job is to cradle this cup of coffee with both hands and gently bring it to my lips, feeling every drop as it warms my insides.

My job is to bask in the glow of my tingling skin as the balmy breeze strokes my hair.

My job is to breathe in the air that invigorates my entire body, carrying nutrients to feed my soul.

My job is to run and play like a wild fawn.

My job is to be myself and unashamedly express who I am.

My job is to create the things that I want to exist in the world – art, music, ideas, and objects.

My job is to experience each moment without judgement, letting it all wash over me like a wave, knowing that the changing motions of the tide are part of life.

My job is to wash the dishes with passion, turning the scrubbing into a spiritual practice

My job is to vacuum with appreciation, knowing how many people came together to design and build just the plastic handle that I push against to clean the carpet that I’m grateful to be standing on.

My job is to type a message to another person, focusing on their needs, knowing that my own will be taken care of.

My job is to learn how to stay in the moment, to practice meditation, to bring awareness to my inner body and avoid getting swept away by random thoughts.

My job is to practice connecting with other people, putting effort into staying present in all conversations and activities. 

My job is to get better at living.

Not by mastering money so that I can retire young and consume more, but by learning to experience joy and peace in every moment regardless of the circumstances.

If I make all of these things my job, then those other activities needed to actually pay the bills become infused with new power and inspiration.

When I get paid to scrub the toilet at the restaurant, I’m fully present and grateful, knowing that better things are ahead.

When I get paid to assemble components at the manufacturing plant, I’m inspired with ideas to improve the process and my mind starts to put the pieces together on how I can either be promoted or start my own business.

When I get paid to answer the phone for the insurance company, my infectious attitude makes everyone around me smile, attracting opportunities and possibilities into my life.

When I’m on a roof getting paid to bang nails into shingles, I feel connected to the other workers. I’m part of a team working toward a common goal, with a sense of purpose.

When I’m constantly writing, baring my soul, and feeling vulnerable because it seems no one is reading it – then I get an email from one person who thanks me and tells me how I helped them – and I know it’s worth continuing.

We all have so much power – more than we realize.

We can change the way we perceive what happens around us and to us. By doing the little things we are already doing with more presence, with intention, and love, new opportunities start to appear. 

So, I say make it your job to be present, and everything else gets better.

–

Header image “Free Air” by Heather Prescott Liebensohn a.k.a. Omega Defern at Zen Mantis Video & Photography

Share this post:
You Just Don’t Have It Yet

You Just Don’t Have It Yet

Published by Michael Defern on November 12, 2020

“You just don’t have it yet.” That sentence came from the mouth of legendary drummer and producer Steve Jordan – who was in the Saturday Night Live and David Letterman bands, and played with John Mayer, among many others. I heard Steve interviewed by Rick Beato recently, and this one line just hit me. It describes the creative journey perfectly. 

I was 21 when I wrote my first song. I had been playing guitar for years in cover bands, but I found myself in a situation which required something truly special. I needed to get my girlfriend to come back to me! I was so excited that I was able to channel my emotions into a real song, with lyrics and all! But, it wasn’t very good, and I didn’t get the girl. Although I got something better – the bug for songwriting.

Since then, I’ve probably written hundreds of songs, most of them garbage, but that’s ok – I was learning the craft, and enjoying myself along the way. After 20 years of playing in different bar and wedding bands while working day jobs, thinking some opportunity would just fall out of the sky, I decided it was finally time to confront the truth about my abilities as a writer. So I, with my wife and our three kids picked up and moved to Nashville. (Heather, my wife, is a songwriter too, so it wasn’t hard to convince her)

Heather and I had already put out an album which some people REALLY liked. Not everybody, but enough to plant a few seeds of hope. We had visited Nashville, and it seemed like the perfect size city – not like New York or L.A. – and had a super welcoming community of musicians. But, ultimately it was a little bar called Douglas Corner Cafe that sold us.  

It’s closed down now, another casualty of the pandemic, but every Tuesday night they had an open mic that down here they call a “writer’s round” (some venues, like The Bluebird, arrange the musicians in an actual circle, which is where round comes from.) To play at Douglas Corner, all you had to do was call into their old fashioned answering machine at 1pm and leave your name. Each week at 12:55 we hit the phones, calling nonstop – dial, busy signal, hang up. dial, busy signal, hang up – like we were trying to win Springsteen tickets from a radio station. The trick was to get on early while more people were in the audience.

Local legend, Donnie Winters, ran the open mic for years. After he did his sound check and went over the ground rules, he started calling people up. I was almost always nervous. Playing and singing my own songs without a band to a packed room was not something I was used to! The stage was set up with four stools and microphone stands, with beautiful blue hazy lighting. The front half had rows of tables and chairs for the serious listeners, and the rear was where the bar and networking took place. In Nashville, it’s all about co-writing, and this was the kind of place to meet other musicians you might have a connection with.

I remember this one particular Tuesday night when I was feeling especially good. Rather than my regular, “man I don’t want to do this, but I have to push through it,” I was cool, calm, and present. I was in the moment. Maybe because I knew I had a good song prepared, and because I had been taking voice lessons (Breck Alan’s and The Art of Body Singing is LIFE CHANGING for singer songwriters in particular, because he’s all about playing your voice like an instrument instead of just hitting notes). Donnie called four names and I went up on stage, plugged in my guitar, adjusted my mic, and waited patiently for my turn. I sang my song, “Oklahoma.” It’s a heavy song, recounting the great lengths I went to in my early attempts at sobriety. I felt like I had a good performance, and the audience applauded. I didn’t get any hooting and hollering, but it felt like a genuine reaction. You can feel the room when people are paying attention. And I knew I had them. But, it wasn’t until I got off stage that I realized how well it went over.

A few people stopped me to shake my hand on my way to the back of the room. My adrenaline was turning into a headache and I wanted to get away from everybody for a minute. Just before I walked into the Men’s Room, this guy pulled me aside and said, “Man, that song really hit me. I have a brother who is on drugs, who I haven’t seen in years. That song just made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a long, long time.” I’m not great at taking compliments, but I gave him a sincere and hearty “thank you” and kept moving. Later on I realized how amazing that compliment was, and my insides began to blissfully jump up and down.

It’s interesting how music works. Oklahoma wasn’t a happy song. It didn’t make that guy happy, but it did stir something in his heart. Emotion – to be “in motion”. I think sometimes we just need to get our cold hearts moving again in whatever way possible. Maybe he just needed to feel a connection with someone who understands.

Back to the interview with Steve Jordan. The story he was telling was about a Rod Stewart track he was working on. They were trying to get the sound right, and it just wasn’t happening. Someone walked in and gave him some encouragement, “You just don’t have it yet. It’s alright, it’s alright, you just don’t have it YET.” So they kept tweaking things, and eventually, by moving one of the drum microphones just a few inches … BAM! It all came together. You see, I spent decades thinking I had to get good enough to go on stage in the first place, but I realized the stage is a critical part in the development process. If I wanted to get really good, to become a professional, I needed to get real world feedback, and not fool myself about how good I think I am.

Open mic nights are the perfect place to try out material, to see what works and what doesn’t. I’ve watched enough Jerry Seinfeld documentaries to know that most comics “practice” their new acts at small clubs. I’m trying to get a reaction – not just a courtesy applause, but for someone to come up to me afterward and say, “I really loved that song.” If no one does that in a room full of people, how would I expect to get the attention of random people out on the internet? And if no one responds, that doesn’t mean I should quit, it just means I just don’t have it YET.

Music is about evoking a human reaction. You never know who is going to respond to what song. So, the secret, if there is one, is to keep writing and keep testing. Find out what works, and treat the people who love your stuff as if they are your soulmates.

Share this post:
Wait, People Love Me When I’m Awkward?young deer at silvermans farm in CT michael defern dot com

Wait, People Love Me When I’m Awkward?

Published by Michael Defern on October 1, 2020

How I overcome business meeting anxiety by being honest and vulnerable

I’m driving along the Housatonic River on route 34 toward Newtown, trying to enjoy the newly changing leaves – the reds, oranges and yellows hanging down over the road on a sunny fall morning – but, all I can think about is what I’m gonna say at this networking meeting that starts in an hour. 

I stop to grab a bacon, egg and cheese – and another coffee, before getting onto Interstate 84 West. I’m on my way to a hotel in Danbury (CT) for a BNI meeting. That’s an acronym for Business Networking International, a group of business owners and salespeople who get together each week to trade referrals, and help each other meet potential prospects. I had been to meetings like this before, many times in fact. I like the structure of it, compared to the more general cocktail hour type networking. But what is causing me anxiety is the fact that I’m gonna have to stand up and give my elevator pitch to a room of 20 or 30 people. I’ve done it probably a hundred times, but I’m still afraid.

Too much coffee. You’d think I would have learned by now that all that caffeine probably doesn’t help my anxiety. But, the little comforts – the food, drink, and snacks before and after the meeting are what get me through. (I had given up all of the other, much stronger vices.)

There I am, cruising down the highway in my Honda Civic, loudly reciting my commercial, competing to hear myself against the loud rumble of the tires at 70MPH. I have some notes. I had tweaked a few things from last week’s pitch, thinking THESE words will get people to react, and get them to come running up to me afterward and say, “Oh Mike, you are so awesome! YES, sign me up! YES, I want to pay you lots of money to make a video for my business!”

That’s how I thought.

I had been struggling to keep enough customers coming through the door to pay the bills to feed my family, and I was in a perpetual state of desperation, for years – seeking out the right words that would finally open up the floodgates. I was searching for a holy grail to solve all of my financial problems. I was determined to write a magic elevator pitch. 

Was I trying to build relationships?  No.

Was I trying to make friends? No.

It was all a con job. What can I say to these people, to get what I want.

Of course, I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. I’m actually a really nice guy! I love helping people, and when I’m working to produce a video project, I make it all about them, and it’s all about authenticity. But when in “sales mode”, I seem to get my wires all tangled and crossed.

Is it any wonder I was full of anxiety heading into this meeting?

There was so much riding on it! I was emotionally charged with such high expectations. I NEEDED to make a sale. 

Then it was time to start the meeting. Ten minutes of announcements, explaining how things work, and leadership introductions. Blah blah blah. They start going around the room. The tables are set up in a rectangular circle, with everyone sitting, facing in. 

“I’m Joe Johnson, and my company is called Circle Box HVAC. We specialize in ….”

My heart is pounding.

“Good morning, I’m Davey with Floyd & Kramer Law Firm, did you know that 1 out of 10 car accidents result in a ….”

My palms are sweaty. I try to dry them on my legs.

“DON’T BUY ANOTHER BOX OF BUSINESS CARDS! (most exuberantly) Until you talk to my team at Hour-Man Press! We have an amazing deal, just for the month of October – a real spooky deal! Go to our website at www dot ….”

It’s getting closer to my turn. My hands shake as I open up my folded cheat sheet to refresh my memory about what I’m going to say.  

“Just a reminder,” the group leader interrupts. “Visitors will go after all the regular members do their commercials.”

I’m slightly relieved – they skip over me, for now.

Then something happens. Over the next 10 minutes, as each other person stands up to speak, I suddenly become very present, hanging onto each word being said.

I stopped thinking about what I was going to say, stopped calculating, and looked around the room. I noticed that there are a bunch of real people to my right and to my left. I’m sitting elbow to elbow with other PEOPLE – human beings.

They were all little kids once. I thought about my own kids. Many of these folks are probably scared too. Actually, I can see it now. The HVAC guy, with his logo-embroidered Dickies button-down shirt and blue jeans, seemed kinda nervous. You could tell he’s wasn’t used to being in meetings like this. He probably spends the majority of his time working by himself in basements and attics. 

I can feel my pulse slow down. It was as if someone had let the air out of the stress balloon I had been blowing up all morning.

I realized in that moment of clarity, that perhaps I had been doing it all wrong. When I work with people during a video shoot, it’s all about being in the moment with them, just having a real, spontaneous, and heartfelt conversation. Unscripted. Then why did I think I need to put on a dog and pony show for these nice people? I wasn’t there to entertain, to give a stand-up comedy show. I was there to be of service, to attract the right customers into my business, who value and need what I have. And what I have to sell is ME. So why not give them ME? 

It’s my turn. I stand up. 

“Good morning.” Deep breath. “My name is Mike, and I really appreciate you letting me come and visit this morning. I’m sorry … I’m a little nervous. I wanted to try and say the exact right thing, so I could make a good first impression … and I’ve making myself crazy all morning thinking about it. Does anyone else ever do that?”

I scan the room. People are nodding, and I get some smiles and chuckles. I can feel the energy as they start to lean in.

I continued on for a minute or so, sharing what I love about what I do for a living, then I sat back down. My neighbor to my right gave an encouraging “good job”. After the meeting was over, a few people came up to me and asked for a business card. One person was extremely interested, “Hi Mike! I just love your authenticity. I think you are exactly who I’ve been looking for to do my video project.”

So, I threw away the script, and let go all control. I was completely honest and vulnerable – and I had one of the most effective networking experiences EVER. I felt connected to people. Hell, I think I even enjoyed it! And I got a new client. 

People don’t want me to be perfect. That’s not real. Perfection is for glamour magazines and slick movies. In business, it’s all about relationships. It’s about people. Something happened to me that day, that I hope I’ll never forget. When I’m in the moment, not in my head, and I allow the words to just come out in whatever uncontrolled awkward fashion they’re meant to come out in, it’s almost as if I tap into an unseen power – an energy that connects me with other people – that helps me go places I can’t normally go.

It’s not about the specific words I say. It’s about one soul communicating with another.

And it’s surprisingly easy to tap into – I just need to be OK with not knowing exactly how it’s gonna go, and remain present and vulnerable. (The old way, trying to control things wasn’t working anyway!)

Header image of a fawn at Silverman’s Farm by Heather Prescott Liebensohn

Subscribe

14 Days to a Quieter Mind

Have you tried coaching, self help books, and seminars – and were not satisfied with the results? Try this first.

So many of us fail to make positive changes in our lives and business, because our minds are so full of negative self talk, that we get it our own way. It’s like pouring water into an already overflowing glass. We need to slow down and make some space. Try our free 14 day email series “14 Days to a Quieter Mind” first, then go back to coaching and self help, with a more empty cup.

Click here to find out more about our 14 Days free email series

Share this post:
Blocked by the Voice in My Headabbys rainbow - michael defern dot com

Blocked by the Voice in My Head

Published by Michael Defern on September 21, 2020

Breaking free from my self imposed mental prison

We moved to Shelton when I was in 7th grade. Middle school was already tough, and now I was the new kid starting in a new place, midway through the year.

I was mortified by the Puma sneakers my mom made me wear, because they weren’t Nike or Reebok, like everyone else had. I thought to myself, no one will like me because I’m not wearing the right sneakers. I didn’t talk to the people at the bus stop and kept to myself at school, because in my mind, they wouldn’t like me – so I beat them to it by not liking them first.

Then in high school, I was obsessed with losing weight because I saw all the pretty, popular kids having a good time. I obsessively created endless checklists to eat less and exercise more. Instead of looking for friends to enjoy lunch with, I sat by myself with a salad, telling myself, I’ll be happy someday. Once I get through this, I’ll have lots of friends.

In my twenties, I was in a rock band playing out in bars around New Haven. We were pretty good, and the other guys were really into it – but my internal dialogue was always focused on the negative: people aren’t paying attention and no one wants to listen to us, and I can’t wait until this is over. (Wasn’t that supposed to be fun?)

The truth is, I was NEVER happy where I was.

Was someone trying to sabotage my life? (Yes, me.)

Apparently, I didn’t want to be anywhere, so drugs became more appealing. I was aiming for happiness, but settled for getting numb. Eventually, I couldn’t function without both cocaine and heroin – every day.

I was in a dark and hopeless place, where my entire existence consisted of working to buy drugs, up until the point where no amount of drugs was enough to drown out the guilt, shame, and remorse I was feeling, caused by that lifestyle. Then … when I could go no further – I hit bottom.

I desperately cried out for help, and something snapped inside. I woke up. I became self-aware like never before.

Suddenly, it was clear that what I had been looking for was not “out there.” There wasn’t some magic job, girl, or bank account that would make me happy. I needed to find peace on the inside.

With the help of some amazing people and the 12 steps, I started to question every thought that popped into my head. I saw the lies – all that crap about me not being good enough, and not being worthy of love and friendship. Says who? I could see how all the stories I had been telling myself, about myself, were blocking me off from everything good.

The most critical moment was when I realized that I was neither my mind or my body, that there was this other thing – an awareness, that could see everything from an outside perspective. That awareness was the real me.

For the first time, I was able to dis-identify with the voice in my head.

The more I was able to step back and observe my thoughts, the more they slowed down, and I began to feel connected to everything around me. I was able to experience moments of presence, of just being right where my feet are, enjoying whatever was going on. You hear that? JOY! This was the happiness thing I had seen all those other people doing.

I could plainly see how that little voice in my head is not always right, and I became free.

Today, 15 years later, I’m still sober and I’ve never lost that essential awareness. But I need to constantly make a decision to NOT engage with every single thought that pops into my head (which can still be very difficult). But, without fail, when I follow one moment to the next, without giving in to that nagging desire to control everything through over-planning and worrying, amazing things happen. Inspired action happens. Luck happens. Synchronicity. God moments. Whatever you want to call it … things are overwhelmingly better for me when I’m present.

It’s like I now have access to power that I didn’t have before. It was always there, I just had to make space for it.

How we experience life comes down to perception, right? We see things happening around us, but we get to assign meaning to it. Is it good or is it bad? For most things, it depends how you look at it.

Thoughts happen. I can’t stop them. But, when I’m awake – aware – I can see them coming, and decide which ones to listen to.

How would your life change if you stepped away from your thoughts once and a while, looked back and said, “nope – that one’s bullshit. I’m gonna ignore that one.”

—

P.S.

You’re probably thinking, how can I get to this place of awakening? Is suffering a requirement? For me, it took a crisis to wake me up. But, you may get there with just a little practice. Mindfulness is like a muscle – the more you use it, the more it grows. Here are a few things to try: Pretend you’re the Karate Kid, swatting thoughts away (remember, wax on, wax off … we’ve been watching Cobra Kai on Netflix!) You can say to yourself, “I wonder what my next thought will be?” then wait – see how long you can go. One of my favorites: all throughout your day, especially during conversations, occasionally push your foot firmly down against the floor to remind yourself to stay in the moment, to be where your feet are, and not drift into random thought. By shining a light on your thoughts, they start to slow down. Start by making a little space up there in your head, and more will be revealed.

–

Header image artwork “Rainbow” by Abigail Liebensohn, courtesy of Zen Mantis

Subscribe

Share this post: